For those of you who haven’t heard the term “ghosting” happens when you’ve either gone on dates or are in a relationship with someone and that someone disappears into thin air without explanation. If you have participated in the online dating game over the past five years, chances are you’ve been ghosted or ghosted someone. I’m guilty of it and it’s not something I’m proud of but I accepted it as a norm of today’s world until I was ghosted after a five month relationship. We had traveled together, he met my friends and family and then, one Saturday night, he canceled our dinner plans and I never heard from him again. Feelings of distrust, embarrassment, and wondering what I had done to deserve this ran through my head. Although I had come to terms with the fact that we weren’t right for each other, It was very hard to accept that I had given time, energy, and emotion to someone who ultimately became a stranger. I’ll never know who he really was and what he was thinking the whole time. I turned to my yoga practice to move through the stages of mourning and I don’t know where I would be without it.
Letting Go of What Was
I mediated, I went to yoga class, and just kept pushing myself to let go of what was. Feelings and physical sensations will come to the surface, especially around the heart. Hips and shoulders are where we hold our tension. Our hips are the center of feelings, our heart is our center of love, our shoulders create an armor around the heart to protect it. Observe where your tension lies and do some deep poses to get into those places. Poses like pigeon and lizard are excellent choices. Arm variations that open up the shoulders and heart such as camel are great too. Make some time for self care practices as well which will help release tension. The day that he ghosted I had an amazing massage. I laid my full body on the massage table and told myself I would surrender to whatever came to the surface, the practitioner started working on my hip the emotions came out and I heard the word “acceptance” come to mind. I was accepting that even if he did reach out, this relationship needed to come to an end because I wouldn’t let anyone treat me with such disrespect.
Dealing with Lack of Closure
I continued to feel undesirable and worthless that the guy I felt so deeply for didn’t think enough of me to give me a formal break up. Also feelings of lack of trust, was it all a lie? What did I do? In the month that followed, I pushed myself to find closure in different ways. I went on dates with other guys to feel desirable again and I learned that there were people in this world with good intentions. It was hard in the beginning. Sometimes I would spend the few minutes before my Uber pulled up in tears because I missed the connection with someone familiar but once I was got over the hump of getting out the door, I was fine and could enjoy the company of a new friend. I would learn things about other guys that he lacked that I actually valued and that helped me move forward.
Finding My Own Closure
After a month, I struggled with whether I should reach out or let it be. I still had some of his things at my place and wondered what to do with them too. I had been cultivating self empowerment through my reiki practice (more to come on this!) and did so when I felt comfortable enough to do so. He acknowledged that we should meet up to discuss and when the time came for that he ghosted on me again. That final straw was enough closure for me, he wasn’t worth my time. I decided that sending his stuff back wasn’t worth the time and money either so I threw it away, including a pearl & white gold pendant necklace that he gave me as a gift. Rolf Gates had said that at some point removing suffering from our lives is a choice. So after not hearing from him, I chose to rise above it and move forward.
An Ongoing Process of Feeling Whole Again
My consistent yoga and meditation practice helped me stay present and accept where I was in the healing process. One day I would experience peace, the next day I would be an emotional basket case but each day I would turn to my yoga mat for a meditation and physical practice. My practice would ebb and flow based on my feelings in that moment, restorative when I needed self-compassion and more physical when I needed to feel capable and grounded. One day in my meditation practice I used the mantra, ” I feel whole, I feel grateful, I have everything I need”…and I believed it which told me that I was healed.
I continued to date while indulging in pursuing activities I loved and my career. I found a new job that allowed me the flexibility to teach yoga part time, I reengaged with the Armenian non-profit I had been a part of for close to a decade and chaired their 110th anniversary gala which raised $1MM dollars. In the midst of doing the things I love, I met my current boyfriend. Our first date was a year to the day I had been ghosted. He was the first person I went out with that I told about the ghosting and he told me he would tell me right away if he wasn’t interested. As our relationship deepens, I have also realized that my trust issues run deeper as well and my attachment to contact. It’s a struggle that I work through every day.